Interior designer and HGTV star Nate Berkus is reflecting on a somber anniversary — the abrupt death of his partner, photographer Fernando Bengoechea, in the devastating and horrific 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami.
Anyone who has lost a romantic partner knows that major anniversaries can make the loss feel acutely recent, and December will mark 20 years since the shocking, unthinkable disaster killed more than 220,000 people.
Nate was not the only celebrity to endure the loss of a partner in the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami — supermodel Petra Nemcova barely survived it, clinging to a tree with a broken pelvis for an unimaginable eight hours.
Like Nate, Petra was vacationing with boyfriend Simon Atlee (also a photographer) when the tsunami struck without warning, and she said everything “happened in split seconds.”
As the deadly wall of water hit, Petra said:
“I heard Simon screaming my name, and it was the last time I heard him.”
Petra and her late partner Simon were visiting Thailand at the time of the tragedy, while Nate and Fernando were in Sri Lanka — the tsunami affected 12 distinct nations.
Nate opened up about his loss early on, appearing on Oprah in January 2005 to recount the traumatic event in detail less than a month after the tsunami.
The incident was so fresh that at the time, Nate and Oprah both referred to Fernando as “missing,” and an archival article on Oprah.com was updated days after Nate’s appearance to include the following statement:
“Based on all of the information we have gathered and the search team’s extraordinary efforts, we still have not heard any word of Fernando. Therefore, it is with great sadness, we are forced to presume Fernando died in the tsunami.
“We believe everything that could be done has been. This is a difficult thing to say, comprehend and accept. We are sure there will always be a bit of hope in our hearts … He will be greatly missed …”
Nate shared a long, separate statement on January 20, 2005.
After memorializing Fernando, he continued, focusing on the needs of survivors despite his own crushing bereavement:
“Many of you have contacted my office and staff seeking answers about what charities to support and what path I am following to bring aid to this devastated portion of the world. I am touched by your commitment to this cause. I ask that all donations be directed to the Angel Network in honor of those lost, helping us rebuild the area of Arugam Bay, including the schools and homes of those in need.
“As we continue to come together as a people, I find relief in knowing that the wave of devastation that washed away so much life might now be replaced by a flood of humanity and hope.”
On a website dedicated to Fernando’s life and work, the “About Fernando” page mentions that the couple both worked with Oprah and on O Magazine.
Fernando’s family wrote that they were “so incredibly touched by the way Nate Berkus describes Fernando, their love and how he changed his life for the better” in his book The Things That Matter, quoting a portion about how they met:
“Fernando and I met in 2003 at a photo shoot for O at Home magazine. He had been hired to photograph the makeover process of a living room I was brought in to redo.
“How many people are lucky enough to have the very first meeting of a great love documented by the nature of what they do professionally?
“The day I met him, I could see, through his photographs, how he saw me, and I remember thinking, ‘things don’t get any better than this.'”
Fernando’s body, like many other victims of the tsunami, was never recovered.
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Nate Didn’t Know How To Move Forward
Nate was only 33 when he endured the loss of Fernando.
It’s common for those who have lost a romantic partner – especially those to whom it happened early in life – to say that they will never “move on” from the person, but they must “move forward.”
And in your early thirties, the prospect of resuming life after the person you love was literally ripped from your arms to their death is incredibly daunting.
Nate spoke to People as the anniversary of the tsunami approached, and he recalled the early days of grief — grief compounded by his not knowing whether Fernando had somehow survived for nearly a month.
It’s an unimaginably disorienting experience even without the uncertainty, and Nate remembered that he didn’t want to “be weird” — however, without therapy and grief counseling, he said: “I don’t know that I would’ve ever returned to any semblance of who I was before.”
Nate described a relatable experience in terms of early grief, having a friend meet him where he was, which was “hiding under the covers.”
In this case, the friend was Oprah.
Oprah said something that stuck with him, and helped him to slowly process Fernando’s sudden and traumatic death:
“Oprah came by and crawled [into] my bed, and I asked her why [this happened], and she said, ‘I don’t know, but the one thing that I will tell you is that I’ve always believed when the soul gets what it came to get, it goes.’
“I hung on that for a really long time.”
Nearly a decade later, Nate married his now-husband, Jeremiah Brent, with whom he has two children.
On November 16, Good Housekeeping published a piece about Nate and Jeremiah’s holiday traditions, like having a “signature scent.”
But he also pointed to “giving back” as a crucial aspect of his family’s holiday endeavors, saying:
“My husband and I feel like it’s really important for our kids to understand that everybody has their own story and to understand that there are a lot of people who are food insecure in the United States. We want our children to know that they’re part of something a little bit bigger than just our family unit.”
Speaking to People, Nate said that as the search for Fernando went on, he focused on supporting the rescuers to the best of his ability, and his dedication to doing so was evident in both interviews.
He explained: “A sentiment that governs almost everything I do is, ‘How can I leave this place better than I found it?’ Twenty years later, that is what stays with me the most.”
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