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Forever and never

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Forever and never

I hate it when people say “everything happens for a reason.”
I think that’s bullshit. Was there a reason the love of my life died in a car crash at 39? I don’t think so.

Kelvin and I were the type of couple that beat all the odds. We were friends for eight years and married for two.
We made it through a long distance relationship.
We made it through the death of his parents and his only sibling.
We made it through the series of court battles with my step father over my late mom’s inheritance.
We made it through waiting for each to go through school and getting one certification after the other. Through all these changes, our love was one constant I could rely on.

After getting married, our routine was simple. I’d wake up at 6:15 in our little apartment. He’d already be up of course. He was an early bird. I used to hate mornings. I could hardly drag myself out of bed even with the smell of the breakfast he was making for me. But now, after his death, I stumble out of bed right away. There’s no use trying to stay longer in a cold, empty bed all by myself.

I used to leave for work before 7am and be home by 6:00pm. Eric didn’t get home until 7 or 8pm, so I’d make dinner. Pasta and coleslaw was his favorite. I always complained about how much work it was. If he was still here today, I’d make pasta and coleslaw every night without batting an eyelid.

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After dinner, we’d watch TV or play video games or read books.
Sometimes we wouldn’t do anything, just sit and talk for hours. Kelvin was always great to talk to. He told me that if I wasn’t a human being maybe God would have made me a parrot.

I was home early and decided to try out a recipe I saw on the internet. I couldn’t wait for Kelvin to have a taste. He was running late and it was unusual for him not to call to tell me what was keeping him. I was worried when he wasn’t home at 10pm. His number had been ringing for hours and he wasn’t taking my calls. I called his colleagues who told me that he left the office at past 6pm. I went into panic mode.

I tried his number again at midnight and a female voice responded. She was Dr Ophillia from St Louis Hospital. She informed me that the owner of the phone had been hit by a drunk teenager and was brought in earlier by some good Samaritans. She said he was in ICU. St Louis Hospital was quite some distance and it was late. There wasn’t going to be any sleep for me that night so there was no point waiting till morning. It was a quarter past midnight when I got into my car and did the one hour drive to the hospital.

My Kelvin lay lifeless with all kinds of tubes sticking in and out of his body. I was informed that he was clinically dead and could be in that position for a long time without coming round. He had zero chances of survival and I had to make the painful decision of taking him off life support. That was the worst day of my life.

I had his body cremated so that I could always have him close by instead of far away in a lonely cemetery.

Yesterday, I came face to face with Bryon, my husband’s killer. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. He is an innocent boy that got caught up in the web of social and peer pressure. His co-workers called him a lilly livered sissy and dared him to drink alcohol. He had two shots of tequila (his first time of tasting alcohol), before getting behind the wheel. One costly mistake and now he has to live with the guilt of manslaughter for the rest of his life.

Bryon, is a brilliant orphan. He goes to college and works two jobs to take care of his siblings and his aged Nana. He is a good child and I know that punishing him wasn’t going to bring back my husband. I dropped the charges against him and decided to go on with my life.

It’s been tough times for me and the days ahead will be tougher. I don’t know how I’m going to pull through but I pray I don’t lose my mind.
I just don’t need people telling me that Kelvin is in a better place. Did they think he wasn’t in a good place with me?
Or the ones saying, they understand how I feel. What’s wrong with all these people?
Oh! and those ones telling me that
“everything happens for a reason”. What?
Someone better hold me before I feed them Kelvin’s ash.

My heart is so broken. I thought I’d spend forever with Kelvin, little did I know that our forever would be short-lived. I cherish the memories we shared and I know that my life will never be the same without him. I’m going to take life one day at a time, knowing that this is what Kelvin would want me to do.